I
met ShantiMayi in Holland in the Summer of 1995. Our meeting had been in great
immediate recognition. Without a shadow of a doubt, I met my Master! In wonder,
I couldn’t wait to meet her again and booked a ticket to India right away. She
would be with her Master Maharajji, I heard and we were welcome to come! With a
bubbling heart, I was counting the days….. yet something else shook my life
first. It was the sudden death of my mother.
Unfinished cycle
My mother died in that fall after a very troublesome life, wherein she attempted
to commit suicide on more than one occasion. Not easy for her, but also surely
not easy for the ones that loved her and lived with her. This time she had been
“successful” in taking her life and had prepared this with a stunning precision,
without leaving a note. It would be honest to say that I was left with mixed
feelings initially. I remember that the first thought that came to my mind had
been: “Oh, finally”. I even felt relieved. This was immediately followed with a
deep shock of realization of the “unfinished cycle”. My profound prayer of deep
peaceful healing for her in this lifetime evaporated. My deep wish that one time
we would look in each others eyes and see only LOVE, impersonal and spacious
love, was scattered. I felt so immensely saddened about the whole history. I had
loved my mother dearly, and had never been able to express this to her in a way
that seemed to have reached her. Yet, life asked action and no dwelling in
tears. Suddenly there was a lot to organize, sort out and finish off before
leaving to India; going to see ShantiMayi.
The Mother
The first satsang had been in Her garden. ShantiMayi was sitting underneath that
majestic tree: The Mother of Peace. Her words were blending with the sound of
Ganga Mata from behind. I felt embraced by ”The Mother” from no direction at
all. I realized to the bone marrow that life’s intelligence surpasses all logic
and I was stunned by the journey. All of my life I had been longing for “A
Mother”, and now after I seemed to have lost my mother, I found Her….
ungraspable and all pervasive, without a face and yet in front of me in full
radiance. I wept… the tears came and wouldn’t stop. At the same time, I
experienced a great dense pain in my heart……. that didn’t seem to leave. I asked
for an appointment with ShantiMayi….
Offering
ShantiMayi listened to what I had to say in great patience, as if time didn’t
matter. She listened without any evaluation, interrupting or interpretation. She
simply listened. I was heard for the first time in my life… a very rare
experience. It seemed like a burden was lifting. Then I heard her say: “Now you
go and take something that is really dear to your heart and render it to Ganga”.
I immediately thought of a pendant that had been on my neck for a long time and
meant a lot to me. It had been considering this my loyal companion and it had
brought me courage like an amulet in times I needed that the most. No, I
wouldn’t offer that! I easily could find something else, I thought. No one would
ever know! I bowed down to ShantiMayi’s feet and left her room. Instantly I
experienced that the pendant seemed to be a “strange object”. It felt empty and
neutral and was burning on my chest in the same time. I took it off and went to
the river…. with one simple gesture it was gone. I immediately experienced great
purity.
In timeless peace Ganga went on…. forever flowing.
I sat for a while, just watching the flow passing by…..
So simple
I realized the profundity in the little request of my Guru, which induced such a
vast Wisdom: “To offer what is the dearest to you”.
I was very touched by the simplicity of the message:
“Nothing to hold on to, even not what is the dearest to you”.
Detachment is the fastest Way to Freedom…. how abundantly empty is the reward!
Jivanjili
Leela (story) published in the book: Shri Hans Raj Maharajji AndThe Dawn of a New Consciousness